After working a long night on the project, I needed a break. So, I opened the blinds to discover rain in all its beauty at night, or should I say 4 AM in the morning. Of course, I cannot get my headphones of my ears. The feeling of extra calm is intimidating and I cannot work in so much of calm. I have realized long back that my thoughts are just too self-destructive and it would be best to keep it distracted. The song "Bannado" was given the privilege of being on loop for the night.
As I took a glance on my Facebook page, I saw after a long time that my ex was online. Well, I still do not know if I would even like to call her that. It's been since New Year's Eve at Houston that I have left her midst the fear of distraction from studies. Of course, it was compulsion and I had no choice. The very thought of her made me dip into the ocean of trance that is far from what I could possibly have in future as a settled man. But for now, the thought itself poisons my soul to work harder and rather makes me mellow and sensitive to her needs and feelings.
Just looking at that green dot besides her name set shivers through me. It was that fear of drowning again into the feelings that only we shared in our discrete emails that struck me. It was of course a great loss for my personal being that now I could not "virtually" kiss, fondle, tease or flirt in the ways that only a couple could. The beginning of the relationship between us was never physically. It was a perfect union of thoughts and feelings that we exchanged through the phone. Although, I believe it was more of my need to express my feelings that were long buried into my heart. The desire to make parents happy and to meet their expectations, the peer pressure to perform, the financial hardship and what not buried them deep into my soul where those feelings could never be found.
I have never been an aggressive person from the core. I am just too lazy to fight. On the contrary, I have become more aggressive pertaining to the need of the hour. I am doing this not to outperform others: I already am aware of my strengths and I do not see myself in a very good position in future due to my bad decision making skills in real life (I hope my future employers are not reading this!). I am also aware that my aggression and passion have made me make the worst mistakes in life that cannot be reversed. The reason of becoming so aggressive is just to suppress those feelings that make me feel mellow and happy. That feeling bring into me a senile attitude which is undesirable at the need of the hour.
She will never understand why I left her. I will never ever try to explain it to her and prove my part right. Mistakes were made and that is what you need to make yourself the rungs of the ladder to success. A friend of her told me she did well at tests. I am still very happy for her and it would be a great sight to see such a resolute woman rise to a place in society she always desired. But... Yes, these "but"s and "if"s have killed have the time of my life. Over thinking does not leave my conscience.
The last time we spoke was the worst way I would have ever treated her. It pissed her off to the extent that she would not even talk to me again even if she had the conscience that I can never behave in that way with her. I was bound by my feelings. Somewhere in my heart I still feel I could get her back into my life, beg her, coerce her, woo her. But, over time I have realized I am not made for love. I am a beast like my father who is made for tasks far beyond our personal lives. I wish I could tell her that I cannot even be friends with her even after we broke up because that failure of not being able to get her will linger for the rest of my life. I remember her saying, "I'll be jealous of the girl who gets you" But it seems the other way round anyway.
Bannado is a song that depicts the uneasiness of two lovers. As the night unfolds here at Dallas, the same feeling pierces trough my heart. But, some things are better kept unspoken and hidden, just like this blog. I hate Tochi Raina (although he is a funky nice singer) for singing it so nicely that it brings so deep sadness to me amidst such a good ambient music. I would've wished she could read this, but anyway, it's the best food for my emptiness. Neither she will never ever understand this, nor any other to come.
As I took a glance on my Facebook page, I saw after a long time that my ex was online. Well, I still do not know if I would even like to call her that. It's been since New Year's Eve at Houston that I have left her midst the fear of distraction from studies. Of course, it was compulsion and I had no choice. The very thought of her made me dip into the ocean of trance that is far from what I could possibly have in future as a settled man. But for now, the thought itself poisons my soul to work harder and rather makes me mellow and sensitive to her needs and feelings.
Just looking at that green dot besides her name set shivers through me. It was that fear of drowning again into the feelings that only we shared in our discrete emails that struck me. It was of course a great loss for my personal being that now I could not "virtually" kiss, fondle, tease or flirt in the ways that only a couple could. The beginning of the relationship between us was never physically. It was a perfect union of thoughts and feelings that we exchanged through the phone. Although, I believe it was more of my need to express my feelings that were long buried into my heart. The desire to make parents happy and to meet their expectations, the peer pressure to perform, the financial hardship and what not buried them deep into my soul where those feelings could never be found.
I have never been an aggressive person from the core. I am just too lazy to fight. On the contrary, I have become more aggressive pertaining to the need of the hour. I am doing this not to outperform others: I already am aware of my strengths and I do not see myself in a very good position in future due to my bad decision making skills in real life (I hope my future employers are not reading this!). I am also aware that my aggression and passion have made me make the worst mistakes in life that cannot be reversed. The reason of becoming so aggressive is just to suppress those feelings that make me feel mellow and happy. That feeling bring into me a senile attitude which is undesirable at the need of the hour.
She will never understand why I left her. I will never ever try to explain it to her and prove my part right. Mistakes were made and that is what you need to make yourself the rungs of the ladder to success. A friend of her told me she did well at tests. I am still very happy for her and it would be a great sight to see such a resolute woman rise to a place in society she always desired. But... Yes, these "but"s and "if"s have killed have the time of my life. Over thinking does not leave my conscience.
The last time we spoke was the worst way I would have ever treated her. It pissed her off to the extent that she would not even talk to me again even if she had the conscience that I can never behave in that way with her. I was bound by my feelings. Somewhere in my heart I still feel I could get her back into my life, beg her, coerce her, woo her. But, over time I have realized I am not made for love. I am a beast like my father who is made for tasks far beyond our personal lives. I wish I could tell her that I cannot even be friends with her even after we broke up because that failure of not being able to get her will linger for the rest of my life. I remember her saying, "I'll be jealous of the girl who gets you" But it seems the other way round anyway.
Bannado is a song that depicts the uneasiness of two lovers. As the night unfolds here at Dallas, the same feeling pierces trough my heart. But, some things are better kept unspoken and hidden, just like this blog. I hate Tochi Raina (although he is a funky nice singer) for singing it so nicely that it brings so deep sadness to me amidst such a good ambient music. I would've wished she could read this, but anyway, it's the best food for my emptiness. Neither she will never ever understand this, nor any other to come.
Sajan yun mati jaanje
Tha bichhda mo chain
Jaisi jal bin ma machhli (2)
Mhare jeeve mhare tadap rahi din rain
Kurja e mhari (4)
Kurja...Haal piya ji re des (2)
Dim tana dere na re na na (4)
Ho sochun abhi hoon khudi se
Ya preet judi hai tujhi se bannado
Sochun na jaanu na jaanu
Phir sochun pehchanu tujhe main bannado
Ochho re laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Ochho re laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaisi bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Bannado... Mongho bado re bannado
Bannado... Thodo mann ma baseyo re bannado
Bannado... Thoda mann ma baseyo re bannado
Beera beera beera beera re beera mhara
Beera beera... (2)
Kahe piya manne itna satave...
Itna satave kahe itna satave...
Ho itna satave sari raat jagave...
Raat jagave saari raat jagave...
Bhodo bhi laage, luchho bhi laage,
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko laage re
Ochho bhi laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Bannado... Mongho bado re bannado
Bannado... Thodo mann ma baseyo re bannado
Bannado... Thoda mann ma baseyo re bannado
Beera beera beera beera re beera mhara
Beera beera... (2)
Kurja ri... Kurja mhari... Kurja...
Jaa re piya ke des... Ho kurja...
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