Having done my PhD was one of the most amazing things I think I could’ve done when I hadn’t started it. It was exciting: a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins as I see a ray of hope that I will earn money doing something I like to do. I know this is not something you dwell on for life, but it felt like a huge relief after time of turmoil and hunger. I finally started eating and taking care of myself after 9 months I believe, that was end of 2016.
2017 brought about a great start with an opportunity to prove myself and put a mark on the wall how to go about this mission I had chosen. There were times where I had cried, was scared and broken down. But I guess that time made me realize that this was what I had chosen and it was something I had to finish, considering so many things I could never finish in life.
2018 brought about more and more exciting challenges and gave me a chance to prove my metal. It got me an opportunity to clear my financial turmoil, helped me get a loan and it ay back what was duly owed to outsiders. And it also brought me a chance to meet someone I would’ve loved to be together with. But I guess I did not have the balls to say it then.
2019 came with another bang that helped me explore my first roadtrip cross-country through the States from California to Texas. It gave me a new perspective on things that life was meant to be lived and not just sat out somewhere at home. The magnitude of this freedom swept me off my feet. I started enjoying traveling more and more as work took me to places (Las Vegas and Washington DC the same year). Moving into the new place gave me a sense of calm and reduced my distraction on unnecessary affairs. I started gymming and taking care of myself and my diet. I even bought a car and sold it to someone! End of this year took me around Oklahoma, from Turner Falls to Oklahoma City’s Boat ride and Scissortail Park; and Texas, all the way from El Paso to Guadalupe, Marfa and the Big Bend. I had my first joint in those beautiful mountains somewhere with 2 beautiful women, sirens that were just waiting for me to celebrate my first. We passed all along Rio Grande, something I wouldn’t have thought of doing ever in my life as I had this impression that California was better. But I was humbled, eventually. This year did bring me false hope that I could be with that girl I met last year, but it didn’t live any longer. In some way, it did end up getting me more help for my loans and making things better.
2020 hasn’t been too bad for me at all. I did eventually get frustrated of my now roommate, whom I assumed was fine until I happened to meet more level-headed people; people who I assume have been at some point in a soup as I have been. People who believe that life is not about earning too much money or being famous, but is to find peace with your process. I ended up getting into the place I never would’ve thought I would’ve gotten into: Texas Instruments. Finally, the failures and troubles I took to reach here started seeming more and more heavy in my head and my heart. Even though I am content, there is regret why did this happen so late for me? Why did I start this process of killing myself with a PhD in the first place? But then again, would I have gotten it without all this? Was all this effort worth it? My brain rewinds back thinking I left home, left the girl I loved, never grew the balls to speak up to the next girl and kept roaming and toiling to land up in a job? Isn’t earning money the easiest things a person could do? Why was it more difficult for me than others? Am I cursed with knowledge or idiocy?
As the COVID pandemic spread, and I started spending more time at home, my days started becoming longer. I stopped eating again, kept staring at my PC, probably watching something but at the end I felt I had returned to my life before coming to the States. Doing nothing was my favorite thing back then. Does it matter more than working hard or smart, or working at all sometimes? Will I have a good night’s sleep after I graduate? Was this shutdown just once in a million? Maybe I’ll never know. The Spanish flu killed people in 1920s, maybe the same thing repeated this century. Maybe, things find a way to balance themselves out. Meanwhile, all I think is about getting back on the road once again with my own SUV and a tent and a kayak, and living my life alone in an apartment while my day job is at TI. I wish for nothing more, I just want to become someone who would disappear in the sands of time. It is time I stopped looking back. There is lots to see what comes next.
