I should not be writing this post at the moment. Exams are just to commence within a day or two. But what can a mind heavy with thoughts do? After a long day of work and no other way to recharge the lost power, I thought let me take to writing along with music. Television and movies is a distant dream for an electrical engineer in the States. Even if you have money, you will never have the time to enjoy them. Such is the amount of effort what studies demand.
As my Spotify playlist ends the play of "Adagio for TRON" and moves towards the track "Nocturne", so does the my time sift through my hands beyond midnight. Slow tempo, boredom and due assignments pull my life towards the end of the spring semester. A lot of things have improved over time minus the boredom and loathe of my curriculum. I can understand stuff at class, do homework myself now. I started swimming a month ago to maintain my stamina throughout the day. I started waking up earlier than last semester and started spending more time at the laboratory. I am trying my best to score good and get myself out of the probation that I pushed myself into last semester.
The end of the semester this time is far eased than the last, although one thing does hit my mind every time I take time off. What will I do after I am done with this work? What else really waits for me after I am really done with these courses and research and what not? The mind keeps racing into the future and the conscience tries to pull it back into the present. Past - I do not care now. I have seen enough havoc and chaos my life till now. Violence, love, pain, anger, jealousy, envy have all left me. All left is greed, the greed to succeed. The greed to achieve what people will only dream of.
There does exist a certain emptiness that creeps in. I have less to learn now, but more to explore. Though exploration is exciting, but life will turn into a mundane affair of getting up, dressing up and showing up. Of course I will not have to worry about paying bills any more, the pay would be enough to keep me alive and going (whenever I get it). Yet, the purpose of life remains a mystery to me. Am I just to keep working all life and go back home and sleep? I just need money to pay bills and work to keep busy, but do I need the love and care of a woman that I lost for the sake of this money and work and recognition? Or let us say, do I need a woman whom I should care and love and make sure she spends a happy life with me? Why does my mind still look for a woman with whom I could share being the most foolish person on Earth and yet not be judged?
Too many questions for a twenty-three-year-old guy are left unanswered. Time shall answer them. But, is this loneliness or infatuation that will lead me towards my fall? Or is it the empty hole in my chest that needs to be filled with warmth by someone's hugs and kisses? Whatever it may be, it still makes me introspect into my deeper self at times. Do I need to become a person compatible enough for another person or should I lead my lonely life along the way I see best in the midst of God's grace? Do I really need love and intimacy that most people around me enjoy? Or am I born for a greater purpose than just marrying and begetting children? I just hope time answers them before I become more empty than ever. And as I end this post, it's time to go back to study for exams.
