Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Feeling of Emptiness

I should not be writing this post at the moment. Exams are just to commence within a day or two. But what can a mind heavy with thoughts do? After a long day of work and no other way to recharge the lost power, I thought let me take to writing along with music. Television and movies is a distant dream for an electrical engineer in the States. Even if you have money, you will never have the time to enjoy them. Such is the amount of effort what studies demand.

As my Spotify playlist ends the play of "Adagio for TRON" and moves towards the track "Nocturne", so does the my time sift through my hands beyond midnight. Slow tempo, boredom and due assignments pull my life towards the end of the spring semester. A lot of things have improved over time minus the boredom and loathe of my curriculum. I can understand stuff at class, do homework myself now. I started swimming a month ago to maintain my stamina throughout the day. I started waking up earlier than last semester and started spending more time at the laboratory. I am trying my best to score good and get myself out of the probation that I pushed myself into last semester. 

The end of the semester this time is far eased than the last, although one thing does hit my mind every time I take time off. What will I do after I am done with this work? What else really waits for me after I am really done with these courses and research and what not? The mind keeps racing into the future and the conscience tries to pull it back into the present. Past - I do not care now. I have seen enough havoc and chaos my life till now. Violence, love, pain, anger, jealousy, envy have all left me. All left is greed, the greed to succeed. The greed to achieve what people will only dream of.

There does exist a certain emptiness that creeps in. I have less to learn now, but more to explore. Though exploration is exciting, but life will turn into a mundane affair of getting up, dressing up and showing up. Of course I will not have to worry about paying bills any more, the pay would be enough to keep me alive and going (whenever I get it). Yet, the purpose of life remains a mystery to me. Am I just to keep working all life and go back home and sleep? I just need money to pay bills and work to keep busy, but do I need the love and care of a woman that I lost for the sake of this money and work and recognition?  Or let us say, do I need a woman whom I should care and love and make sure she spends a happy life with me? Why does my mind still look for a woman with whom I could share being the most foolish person on Earth and yet not be judged? 

Too many questions for a twenty-three-year-old guy are left unanswered. Time shall answer them. But, is this loneliness or infatuation that will lead me towards my fall? Or is it the empty hole in my chest that needs to be filled with warmth by someone's hugs and kisses? Whatever it may be, it still makes me introspect into my deeper self at times. Do I need to become a person compatible enough for another person or should I lead my lonely life along the way I see best in the midst of God's grace?  Do I really need love and intimacy that most people around me enjoy? Or am I born for a greater purpose than just marrying and begetting children? I just hope time answers them before I become more empty than ever. And as I end this post, it's time to go back to study for exams.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Feelings Unspoken

After working a long night on the project, I needed a break. So, I opened the blinds to discover rain in all its beauty at night, or should I say 4 AM in the morning. Of course, I cannot get my headphones of my ears. The feeling of extra calm is intimidating and I cannot work in so much of calm. I have realized long back that my thoughts are just too self-destructive and it would be best to keep it distracted. The song "Bannado" was given the privilege of being on loop for the night.

As I took a glance on my Facebook page, I saw after a long time that my ex was online. Well, I still do not know if I would even like to call her that. It's been since New Year's Eve at Houston that I have left her midst the fear of distraction from studies. Of course, it was compulsion and I had no choice. The very thought of her made me dip into the ocean of trance that is far from what I could possibly have in future as a settled man. But for now, the thought itself poisons my soul to work harder and rather makes me mellow and sensitive to her needs and feelings.

Just looking at that green dot besides her name set shivers through me. It was that fear of drowning again into the feelings that only we shared in our discrete emails that struck me. It was of course a great loss for my personal being that now I could not "virtually" kiss, fondle, tease or flirt in the ways that only a couple could. The beginning of the relationship between us was never physically. It was a perfect union of thoughts and feelings that we exchanged through the phone. Although, I believe it was more of my need to express my feelings that were long buried into my heart. The desire to make parents happy and to meet their expectations, the peer pressure to perform, the financial hardship and what not buried them deep into my soul where those feelings could never be found.

I have never been an aggressive person from the core. I am just too lazy to fight. On the contrary, I have become more aggressive pertaining to the need of the hour. I am doing this not to outperform others: I already am aware of my strengths and I do not see myself in a very good position in future due to my bad decision making skills in real life (I hope my future employers are not reading this!). I am also aware that my aggression and passion have made me make the worst mistakes in life that cannot be reversed. The reason of becoming so aggressive is just to suppress those feelings that make me feel mellow and happy. That feeling bring into me a senile attitude which is undesirable at the need of the hour.

She will never understand why I left her. I will never ever try to explain it to her and prove my part right. Mistakes were made and that is what you need to make yourself the rungs of the ladder to success. A friend of her told me she did well at tests. I am still very happy for her and it would be a great sight to see such a resolute woman rise to a place in society she always desired. But... Yes, these "but"s and "if"s have killed have the time of my life. Over thinking does not leave my conscience.

The last time we spoke was the worst way I would have ever treated her. It pissed her off to the extent that she would not even talk to me again even if she had the conscience that I can never behave in that way with her. I was bound by my feelings. Somewhere in my heart I still feel I could get her back into my life, beg her, coerce her, woo her. But, over time I have realized I am not made for love. I am a beast like my father who is made for tasks far beyond our personal lives. I wish I could tell her that I cannot even be friends with her even after we broke up because that failure of not being able to get her will linger for the rest of my life. I remember her saying, "I'll be jealous of the girl who gets you" But it seems the other way round anyway.

Bannado is a song that depicts the uneasiness of two lovers. As the night unfolds here at Dallas, the same feeling pierces trough my heart. But, some things are better kept unspoken and hidden, just like this blog. I hate Tochi Raina (although he is a funky nice singer) for singing it so nicely that it brings so deep sadness to me amidst such a good ambient music. I would've wished she could read this, but anyway, it's the best food for my emptiness. Neither she will never ever understand this, nor any other to come.

Sajan yun mati jaanje

Tha bichhda mo chain

Jaisi jal bin ma machhli (2)

Mhare jeeve mhare tadap rahi din rain
Kurja e mhari (4)
Kurja...Haal piya ji re des (2)

Dim tana dere na re na na (4)

Ho sochun abhi hoon khudi se
Ya preet judi hai tujhi se bannado
Sochun na jaanu na jaanu
Phir sochun pehchanu tujhe main bannado
Ochho re laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Ochho re laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaisi bharam yeh naino ko jaage re

Bannado... Mongho bado re bannado
Bannado... Thodo mann ma baseyo re bannado
Bannado... Thoda mann ma baseyo re bannado

Beera beera beera beera re beera mhara
Beera beera... (2)

Kahe piya manne itna satave...
Itna satave kahe itna satave...
Ho itna satave sari raat jagave...
Raat jagave saari raat jagave...
Bhodo bhi laage, luchho bhi laage,
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko laage re
Ochho bhi laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Bannado... Mongho bado re bannado
Bannado... Thodo mann ma baseyo re bannado
Bannado... Thoda mann ma baseyo re bannado

Beera beera beera beera re beera mhara
Beera beera... (2)

Kurja ri... Kurja mhari... Kurja...
Jaa re piya ke des... Ho kurja...