Monday, October 24, 2016

Being Alone

Time is something nobody has control over. At times, it can be lovely in the midst of family and friends, while it becomes difficult when one is far lost from the idea of life and is troubled by pain, physical or mental. An ideal human being would be the one who adapts to whatever comes, it's way. This would be an ideal concept to some, because even though change is an inevitable part of life, breaking away from the tethers of the comfort zone keeps one at bay from that goal one is waiting for. A lost friendship, a dream job, a new home or long lost love to be reclaimed: whatever it may be, one needs that one thing in life to accept change and get what good life has kept aside for them.

Change is inevitable, but not easy. Not all humans find it easy to adapt change. Some may embrace it readily, some may not for the fear of change, while some will be unsure of what to do. Those who have accepted change need not even read further what I wish to say. The other two categories of people need to understand why I said so. 

I did put up a picture of a soldier smoking. Though whatever is written on the image was said by someone Americans don't like, there is something we all need to learn from it, and it's definitely not smoking. I do not advocate any intoxication, but those who feel the need of it are welcome to try it. What we need to do sometimes is to sit alone with what is comfy to us, and introspect. To think of possibilities, to understand why changing for the new level of things is important, to fathom why is there a need of pain to adapt to the new realm which looks promising but we fear to enter.

I am a graduate student in America and I come from India. Many Americans may feel I am a mama's boy, must've stayed with my parents, come here on their money and definitely not independent. Even the Indian-Americans feel the same for me which I could not help witness a lot of times. Embracing the fact that this new country is my "Karmabhoomi", my land where I will perform my "karma" was a grave decision in itself. Then, to embrace the culture of the new place and to mingle with people was another step. Getting used to the accent, the jargon of my studies, the slang as well, a lot needs effort. I am not here just to roam around like a tourist?! I have to study and become well-rounded! 

Another difficulty is talking to everyone directly. Its not as simple as being home. At home, especially in a joint family, you have no trouble if it's food or money, you have the support of others. Being alone is a lot different! You have to call and ask people for help and that way, life caught me red-handed: I just cannot talk to people for help. I do not know small talk. I can't ask my cousins how they are, or my aunt how her health is. Or even ask my mother how does she feel without me at home. The only thing I ask for is money for bills and to find a job.

Dealing with such a problem becomes tough when you really have nobody else to consult about this. But, every question has an answer which can be found by "being alone", in the sense that we introspect, find our faults and rectify it. I feel introspection does take time: you cannot get a million dollar idea to solve your problem over one coffee or one evening sometimes. Every person has their own limitations. If I cannot solve an electrical engineering problem, I am confident enough to sit alone and solve it overnight. But my attitude? Nah. Not so easy. The same kind of problem may be the reason why they cannot succeed with something. I am still thinking how to cure myself of the loss of words on the phone!

One can see that dealing with their own problems makes them more aware of what they are capable of. To quote an example, it would be my teacher's job to teach me 2 x 2 = 4, but it's my job to think how can it help me with my daily life! Not overthinking, but a moderate and firm introspection is what can help everybody turn into an individual who can defeat the "comfort zone" wall and reach into a new realm. However, it is not a substitute for action, you introspect to make plans on how to act to make things work out for you. But yes, planning helps, and that is what introspection and solitude helps you to do: to plan on what to do.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Fathers' Day: Why is Life Unfair to My Dad?

Fathers' day, a friend's birthday and Sunday altogether. The bet combo you could ever get, but I am here already at the lab on a sunny morning. But, the feeling of emptiness pervades just like the sunshine. An empty stomach, an empty pocket, and a broken heart altogether as well. Not so good a combo. So to feel light enough and lay down my weight, I decided to write.   If I can write for mom, why can't for dad? So here it is for dad. 

I recall my neighbor, an old lady, used to say: "My husband is the eighth wonder of the world!". I could never understand that why. Although, my mother used to agree to that fact for herself as well. Ladies chitchat, but with a lot of sense in it. How can one compare the wonders of the world with a person? Time was to teach me that, and thus, I write the story of my father below.

My dad was the eldest born to a soldier. He was a fun loving person at school, quite a player on the soccer field. He was a ruffian as he calls himself when young. He beat up people, and they feared the wrath of his gang of friends. He possessed a power in a small world that everyone desire. But, when the time to college came, he failed the entrance test thrice. In a country like India, getting an admit in a college can be done by a signature on a bank cheque. But, my grandfather did not, out of ethic. The stroke of misfortune led my father and grandmother into shock because she expected him capable enough to become the first person in the family to earn a degree. But, dad had the utmost respect for his parents. He did not show that life had struck him down. He turned into a calm person. He suppressed all his pride and anger and emotion. He set out to earn with grandpa in the workshop. 

It is a wonder to see that facing not just this, but shocks more disastrous than him did not deter him. It is a rarity to see him angry or distressed. He drags his life like a beast: lifeless but with all the zeal he has left in him. He kept working, and a day came, he got married to this cheerful lady, my mom. Although, what my mother did not know was that the same misfortune was to lay upon her as well. As the difficulties grew harsh, just like dad, mom also lost all cheer of life. It is strange to see that lifelessness is contagious. However, my mother grew out of that, and I used to see her cry alone when dad wasn't around. 

Well, the greatest wonder to me is, if my parents are so lifeless, how did they ever tender so much love between themselves to give birth to my brother and me. You know, sex is not as easy as it appears to be! But yes, we are breathing, so something must have happened. However, when people are young, they dream and aspire for the best. My mom did for a bigger home and more money and recognition at a time, and my dad for a big business. Now I look at them, and I feel this can't be them.

I never remember my mom telling me that my dad used to love us the way a father is supposed to love his sons. He never expressed it, but he took great care of us in other ways and means. My grandmother, uncle, and aunt were more enthusiastic about my whims. And ultimately, my mom and dad grew into mind-dead people out of misery. But at times, they seemed happy, for example when I got into college or left India for studies abroad. My dad turned into a person that just had a to-do list for life to go through, and he felt relieved as he checked past that list. I am relieved I didn't mess up.

The point I make here is, not all dads can be relaxed and happy-go-lucky. They have their won third-world-country problems they go through. All men are prone to become overwhelmed by the misery that lets their self-esteem, status and financial capability down. That includes me as well. However, Some emotion does creep into me, I am my mom's son as well and write things down to relieve myself rather than crying because I am my dad's son. Yes, life is unfair to my father as well, not just mother. But, somehow that lifelessness from my dad has crept into me as well. I cannot enjoy my food, cannot enjoy movies and parties. The drive to work does not leave my head, just like him. After all, I am my dad's son. There is nothing you can dream of, can you? Life will end up with that vicious circle of paying bills and work and sleep. The sad violin will play, and you will have to enact the play of Life. But yes, I thank my dad for not teaching me that, but nurturing me to face misery with consciousness and in the canopy of righteousness.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Dinner for one: The power of solitude

Saute vegetables and herbs, bread, poppadom and herb soda on the rocks. What else can one wish for on a cool summer evening? Alas, not all people are so lucky to enjoy that, not because they cannot afford it, but because they do not know that is how it is supposed to be. People are literally unable to cook proper food for themselves and that is a shame. They own a degree, they can earn six figure salaries, but need to go a diner to eat every evening. Man has this basic instinct to survive, to find food and cook it - convert it to edible form. God has given us the sense of taste to enjoy the wonderful food we have on planet Earth, but people have just made up their mind that the experience cannot be found at home. It is taken for granted that only restaurant can give you such an experience. I strongly believe that it is wrong and the very instinct of man is in danger.

The table you see up there is for sure a great site to see, but one can have that in one's place as well. It is just a matter of learning etiquette and doing the right thing without showing it off. Even if it is to show off to friends when you welcome them to dinner, it is an effort. Although, not all are willing to make that effort. As for me, it is just something as simple to looking at an image like below and doing it.

I once read a wise man's writing "When you become a spectacular performer for long enough, 'spectacular' becomes your way of living".  If you try doing that for a month, you'll get used to it. You'll be able to do it effortlessly. In my country, it is a stereotype that all this is for women to do. However, learning skills in life like this makes a man into a gentleman and a woman into a lady. First, you become aware of how to feed yourself! Second, you learn how to "properly" feed yourself. Third, you know how to "properly feed yourself in a social setting". Three simple advantages, aren't they?

So to add, if you learn this in a social setting, not to show off of course, it shows a sense that you are aware what you are doing at that table with your friends or relatives or your colleagues! Your boss now surely knows you have your way of handling things! Your date knows you are organized person, and gives him/her a hint that you are capable enough for a more stronger relationship as well. Of course your friends can bitch about it, they are friends! But they will realize that you have grown up. You have cultivated yourself. And of course, you can treat the restaurant people in a more polite way like this.

However, coming to the point for dining alone. Why does it make sense to toil through apart from learning it apart from showing off and considering yourself as a cultured and organized individual? I guess I gave the answer in the question - "Individual". Life is tough sir! There come times when nothing feels right. A person dowses into depression and inactivity just because s/he finds himself/herself useless. Just like a nurse at a hospital would go tidy up towels after a bad day to release the stress and feel useful, so is cooking for a common man. Although there may be people who have their own ways of relieving stress, but why not a way that makes you stronger as well? You may play some game out there, you may sing, hang out or do anything you like. But, ultimately, one does get hungry. Why not relieve yourself of stress and fill yourself up with some good food?

Making yourself a salad or a cake or anything from scratch is a real achievement. Also, not to criticize outdoor activity, cooking also takes some effort, its not that you are taking in calories without burning calories. You cook, you eat and then you have to clean up! It takes time and energy. It is an activity in itself, an art and a way of self-realizing your potential. One could think over things while cooking or eating as well. When I see chefs like G. Ramsay (you know him well for his abusing, don't you?), there is perfection in their cooking in solitude. The way they chop things or handle the pan or cook is just so soothing to the eye! When they cook on a show, they don't ask for help, do they? They cook for themselves or one or more people and they relish it on the TV itself! Why can't you do that?! This made me understand what dinner for one means, and here's why I have written so much today. In all, cooking can be turned into an art and an act of relief: it will never seem mundane to me again after realizing this.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Mothers' Day: Why is Life Unfair to My Mom?

Evening 8 PM and I see an incoming Whats app call. I know who is calling me but somehow it doesn't feel good to pick up the phone. The rain patters on the glass window and the light from the phone reflects on it. Somehow I manage to pick up the phone. "Jai Shree Krishna" are my first words and hers are the same. She sounds worried and keeps nagging me whether I had lunch or not. Then she comes to studies and my lab work. But still, her concern has no effect on my indifferent tone. She complains all the time "Why don't you call me back?" and I have no answer. I keep murmuring a new excuse but she still is firm on getting a correct answer. I just get frustrated and sign off. 

The woman is my mother, no doubt about it. The woman for whom I have utmost respect in my mind and love in my heart, but still her nagging is something I cannot bear. In fact, I cannot bear any body's nagging and I do not even wish to nag somebody else. I do not wish to comment like a sage that life is all tiresome and I cannot get a hold of it. I have just grown into a silent person, and with each day my silence deepens with every second I spend alone. I just sit at my desk in the lab and work physically. But mentally, it’s a storm of thoughts that do not calm down. Wow! This is life! Now I am an adult. I am supposed to survive and pay bills. When I grow even older, I all have to marry somebody and make kids. Just wow! I wonder how my mother grew into such a sensible human being that she could raise two boys like us. I do not care if we brothers will be successful in life or not. That in itself is a different issue about how to motivate your children to leave the comfort zone. But growing yourself into a person as strong as this is just nothing more than an eighth wonder of the world. I am still in awe how does it happen.

My mother was a very naughty and cheerful girl as my grandmother used to tell me. Yes, my grandmother was my partner in crime where my mother had absolutely no idea. But the stories that she told me in the hot afternoons in summer were quite intriguing, quite nostalgic as well. My mother was not a very smart kid at studies and so are we brothers. But she had this energy to dance, play and watch movies all day, which was an awe to my grandmother as well. I am talking about the childhood of a person in the 70's, so you could for sure imagine movies was not an affair as simple as Netflix these days or even for that sake, booking tickets online. You have to wait in queue, get inside and shout and enjoy and have fun! As simple as that. On the contrary, I am a person who is as lazy as a sloth, I have no idea how to dance. Movies, I think that's the only pass of time that matches my mother's.  

Well, she grew up, went to college, graduated in biology and ended up working in her cousin's technical institute. This is the most interesting part of her life. She was a FORTRAN programmer in her time and she also taught tailoring. You see, both are different forms of vocation. But she taught both with all the passion and all the energy. People actually enjoyed her sessions. If you ask me, I have not enjoyed any teaching session of hers. The taunts and the beating was enough to dissolve my taste in learning. But anyway, I managed. I wasn't a strong kid but I had strong parents. To add, I hate programming and my genes cannot accept anything cuter than a teddy bear. Tailoring is a distant dream, even a good painting brings burns to the feel I cannot hold my pencil properly. Duh. 

When she got married, she was stripped of all so many cheerful things in life that she loved. But, when we brothers were born, she swallowed that pain within herself. At times, she would express her joy in the form of jokes or petting us kids or dancing in weddings. That was her way when her bad-ass in-laws did not accept her cheerful nature. I have no idea why, and I became like her in laws anyway. I turned into a bore eventually and my mom hates me for that. "Mom, if you by any chance find this blog on the Internet, yes it's me. I know you did not expect a lazy ass son and I am sorry for that. Life's a bitch and I have no clue how to handle it as gracefully as you. That's the most honest opinion I could ever give you."

I am still in awe by the fact that my mom knows that I cannot even date a girl or maintain a relationship with full commitment. I know she wouldn't be so happy seeing me discussing this. She had to feel so troubled to mend us boys to the right path. She literally had to clean us up when we were babies, then you had to beat us up so that we could simply fill a page of an alphabet properly. You had to deal with the in-laws to make sure they did not affect our studies. You prepared us such that nobody could question our credibility. You made us into good humans, but so good that they become sad at people's miseries and end up doing mistakes and causing more trouble. Still, you do take care of that in the worst of times.  

The list is endless and parenting is a nightmare. I hope I am not screwing it up more for her by even speaking of it. I am a fool and I do not know how the relationship thing works. But sometimes I feel I have grown so old that I need some girl in my life to spend my quality time with. I do not know how dad and mom spend your lonely moments together because anyway we are a conservative family. We do not hug, kiss or do all that stuff show of affection. But we strive in life helping each other out, and that's more than enough I guess.

I have learnt how to take care of myself properly. But I will make sure I’ll be ready to take care of not only myself but others around me. It's just that I am nervous at times. I am still under the fear that I have just grown up so quickly or slowly, even the time scale is a doubt to me. Life has been so unfair to you and that is what I feel bad about for your life. But I am sure that I have turned into a good son and I will keep the legacy alive (although dancing still sucks, I am not doing that).

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A Letter to My Future Wife

Dear future wife,

Life is hard for me and if you have chosen me leaving all the best suitors in the world, the first thing I would like to know is "Why?" I am really not sure how you will or have you already entered my life. I feel really astounded by the fact that a guy as heartless as me could get a girl who could love me without worrying about what I am. Why?

I do not know if you have already invaded my dreams or not, but there is this sudden rush of feelings that I feel in my dreams that you are so nearby. Every night these days turns into a sleepless night at some point of time and there is no explanation to it. This is my complaint. I haven't seen you, I haven't talked to you, I haven't loved you and still I feel your absence. Why do you trouble me so much at times?

I wonder at the creation of God. We are born, we grow up, we study and we work, but why are we supposed to make sure we spend our life with somebody else? Why do we need love? Some can make do without it for life and blessed and strong are such people. I do not understand why I cannot gather so much strength and strive towards making life better for people around me. There is just a cloud of desires and attraction that bounds me to your thoughts.

I see you in many women that pass my way and I try to find one or the other things that I imagine would in someone belong to you. Some one's smile, some one's sweet voice, some one's enthusiastic attitude towards one's passion, some one's beauty and dressing sense, some one's way to express love and desires, some one's sense of humor. The list is endless. But whenever I closely try to observe a woman that attracts my attention, there is some part of you that I always look for, and that gets embedded deep into my mind. However, it is not that I want you to become that. Right now, I am not even sure if you do exist.

I want to apologize for whatever wrong I have done to you without knowing you. I have betrayed you by wrongly thinking about being intimate with numerous women. I have betrayed you by actually being intimate with a woman that did not deserve my efforts. I have betrayed you by thinking you will be the source of all love and support that I have been looking for by ignoring my family and friends. You, by any means, are no object of giving me love and support. It is by time and experiences of life that I have come to know that I have made mistakes that have made irreversible damage to my life. Although there is no way the past can be corrected, I believe in many ways I have done wrong to you and I hope you will accept me the way I am.

Neither I am a perfect person, nor are you. Yes, people dream of things being perfect, life being perfect. I have seen none enjoying something perfect. It is time and circumstances that affect the state of mind of a person. A person feels happy or sad, full of life or empty, determined to continue through the course of life or end it. You must be expecting this man seems so nice to me, but writes so boring. I am sorry for that as well, time and tide not only wait for none but leave scars that are not easy to erase. But in all my capability and strength, I will try my best to keep your state of mind the way it should be.

I visualize you as a sensible, strong, independent and affectionate woman. I believe you can lead your life better alone than with me at times and I am the chains that bound you. I believe you are the person who can accomplish anything she desires, even a person as recluse as I am and turn it into something better. The pain of my life has narrowed down my sight so sharp that I cannot see but money, fame, and work. I cannot enjoy the sweet morning sounds that make a day feel like a day. I have lost all love and appreciation that the people surrounding me demand. It is just that life has pulled  life out of me. Time has hardened me like a rock to withstand the ups and downs, but I have no idea how to love such a wonderful person as you.

Yes, you expect a lot of praise and love from this letter. Be patient. I am coming to that darling. I am sorry once again, but you are the third woman in my life that has turned my life to corners that I would never have imagined (The first is my mom and the second are a whole lot of ladies who taught me at school. Yes they are to the date very doting women.).  I have never had a sister and I have never had very close female friends. I do not know how to express love to you, but want to. I have no idea what gifts to buy for you as I have bought none in life. I do not know how to take somebody out for dinner or party or even host a party. I was never brought up to do all this. But an inner voice tells me I need to change a bit for you. 

Let me tell you what that inner voice tells me. It tells me that this woman is courageous enough to leave her family and come to live with you for life. Love her, caress her and make her feel home. Make her feel warm and lively. Give her a reason to smile when you both return home from work. Take her to places that she'll never have seen in her lifetime. Make love to her during weekends (without her asking) so intense that she forgets masturbation. Buy her gifts that not only signify your love to her but also help her make her life easier. The voice also tells me you are a naughty person, and you won't wake up early in the morning. It tells me if she doesn't improve, do not get frustrated. Kiss her and wake her up with breakfast in bed. When she is sick, take care of her and make her feel better in pain. Give her a massage often whenever she is in pain. Let her roam around with or without clothes on, let her be free as a bird in the wild. Fight her hard but love her back harder. When she is sad, hug her so hard and make her feel so warn that all broken pieces of her heart turn one piece with all the warmth and love. Do not ever force her to leave her job or do household chores if she doesn't want to. Do not force her into having kids if she doesn't want to. But love her the way she would never imagine leaving you. It is a bond for life.

I am just so foolish at times I cannot think things on my own, but my inner voice tells me a lot of things. Darling, at this moment, know this: I am not ready for you. I am not responsible enough to even pay bills. I do not have a job or the efficiency that an adult has to have. I am weak at heart at times, irresponsible, lazy and a procrastinator. I want to be the person that makes you feel safe, secure and ready by your side when I meet you the first day. We unite not for the dependence of money or household chores, we unite for the love of each other. We shall lead our lives with all due respect without feeling hindered or bound in unnecessary emotions due to each other. Love is the only central aspect that binds our relationship, but with a firm resolve to achieve nothing but the best in life. When we walk in society, we walk with due respect for the people around us but make sure our respect is intact as well. We make each other proud.

Dear wife, I have opened up my heart through this letter and I hope that answers all your questions. If you do meet me and you have any questions, two cups of coffee at Starbucks will be waiting for us some sunny morning, or rainy afternoon or a chilled winter evening. We both will open our hearts out and try to unite in the best time of our lives. Till then, please spare me of your dreams and let me work. All this work and effort will ultimately lead me towards you. My sweetest wife, I love you. We shall meet for sure. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Feeling of Emptiness

I should not be writing this post at the moment. Exams are just to commence within a day or two. But what can a mind heavy with thoughts do? After a long day of work and no other way to recharge the lost power, I thought let me take to writing along with music. Television and movies is a distant dream for an electrical engineer in the States. Even if you have money, you will never have the time to enjoy them. Such is the amount of effort what studies demand.

As my Spotify playlist ends the play of "Adagio for TRON" and moves towards the track "Nocturne", so does the my time sift through my hands beyond midnight. Slow tempo, boredom and due assignments pull my life towards the end of the spring semester. A lot of things have improved over time minus the boredom and loathe of my curriculum. I can understand stuff at class, do homework myself now. I started swimming a month ago to maintain my stamina throughout the day. I started waking up earlier than last semester and started spending more time at the laboratory. I am trying my best to score good and get myself out of the probation that I pushed myself into last semester. 

The end of the semester this time is far eased than the last, although one thing does hit my mind every time I take time off. What will I do after I am done with this work? What else really waits for me after I am really done with these courses and research and what not? The mind keeps racing into the future and the conscience tries to pull it back into the present. Past - I do not care now. I have seen enough havoc and chaos my life till now. Violence, love, pain, anger, jealousy, envy have all left me. All left is greed, the greed to succeed. The greed to achieve what people will only dream of.

There does exist a certain emptiness that creeps in. I have less to learn now, but more to explore. Though exploration is exciting, but life will turn into a mundane affair of getting up, dressing up and showing up. Of course I will not have to worry about paying bills any more, the pay would be enough to keep me alive and going (whenever I get it). Yet, the purpose of life remains a mystery to me. Am I just to keep working all life and go back home and sleep? I just need money to pay bills and work to keep busy, but do I need the love and care of a woman that I lost for the sake of this money and work and recognition?  Or let us say, do I need a woman whom I should care and love and make sure she spends a happy life with me? Why does my mind still look for a woman with whom I could share being the most foolish person on Earth and yet not be judged? 

Too many questions for a twenty-three-year-old guy are left unanswered. Time shall answer them. But, is this loneliness or infatuation that will lead me towards my fall? Or is it the empty hole in my chest that needs to be filled with warmth by someone's hugs and kisses? Whatever it may be, it still makes me introspect into my deeper self at times. Do I need to become a person compatible enough for another person or should I lead my lonely life along the way I see best in the midst of God's grace?  Do I really need love and intimacy that most people around me enjoy? Or am I born for a greater purpose than just marrying and begetting children? I just hope time answers them before I become more empty than ever. And as I end this post, it's time to go back to study for exams.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Feelings Unspoken

After working a long night on the project, I needed a break. So, I opened the blinds to discover rain in all its beauty at night, or should I say 4 AM in the morning. Of course, I cannot get my headphones of my ears. The feeling of extra calm is intimidating and I cannot work in so much of calm. I have realized long back that my thoughts are just too self-destructive and it would be best to keep it distracted. The song "Bannado" was given the privilege of being on loop for the night.

As I took a glance on my Facebook page, I saw after a long time that my ex was online. Well, I still do not know if I would even like to call her that. It's been since New Year's Eve at Houston that I have left her midst the fear of distraction from studies. Of course, it was compulsion and I had no choice. The very thought of her made me dip into the ocean of trance that is far from what I could possibly have in future as a settled man. But for now, the thought itself poisons my soul to work harder and rather makes me mellow and sensitive to her needs and feelings.

Just looking at that green dot besides her name set shivers through me. It was that fear of drowning again into the feelings that only we shared in our discrete emails that struck me. It was of course a great loss for my personal being that now I could not "virtually" kiss, fondle, tease or flirt in the ways that only a couple could. The beginning of the relationship between us was never physically. It was a perfect union of thoughts and feelings that we exchanged through the phone. Although, I believe it was more of my need to express my feelings that were long buried into my heart. The desire to make parents happy and to meet their expectations, the peer pressure to perform, the financial hardship and what not buried them deep into my soul where those feelings could never be found.

I have never been an aggressive person from the core. I am just too lazy to fight. On the contrary, I have become more aggressive pertaining to the need of the hour. I am doing this not to outperform others: I already am aware of my strengths and I do not see myself in a very good position in future due to my bad decision making skills in real life (I hope my future employers are not reading this!). I am also aware that my aggression and passion have made me make the worst mistakes in life that cannot be reversed. The reason of becoming so aggressive is just to suppress those feelings that make me feel mellow and happy. That feeling bring into me a senile attitude which is undesirable at the need of the hour.

She will never understand why I left her. I will never ever try to explain it to her and prove my part right. Mistakes were made and that is what you need to make yourself the rungs of the ladder to success. A friend of her told me she did well at tests. I am still very happy for her and it would be a great sight to see such a resolute woman rise to a place in society she always desired. But... Yes, these "but"s and "if"s have killed have the time of my life. Over thinking does not leave my conscience.

The last time we spoke was the worst way I would have ever treated her. It pissed her off to the extent that she would not even talk to me again even if she had the conscience that I can never behave in that way with her. I was bound by my feelings. Somewhere in my heart I still feel I could get her back into my life, beg her, coerce her, woo her. But, over time I have realized I am not made for love. I am a beast like my father who is made for tasks far beyond our personal lives. I wish I could tell her that I cannot even be friends with her even after we broke up because that failure of not being able to get her will linger for the rest of my life. I remember her saying, "I'll be jealous of the girl who gets you" But it seems the other way round anyway.

Bannado is a song that depicts the uneasiness of two lovers. As the night unfolds here at Dallas, the same feeling pierces trough my heart. But, some things are better kept unspoken and hidden, just like this blog. I hate Tochi Raina (although he is a funky nice singer) for singing it so nicely that it brings so deep sadness to me amidst such a good ambient music. I would've wished she could read this, but anyway, it's the best food for my emptiness. Neither she will never ever understand this, nor any other to come.

Sajan yun mati jaanje

Tha bichhda mo chain

Jaisi jal bin ma machhli (2)

Mhare jeeve mhare tadap rahi din rain
Kurja e mhari (4)
Kurja...Haal piya ji re des (2)

Dim tana dere na re na na (4)

Ho sochun abhi hoon khudi se
Ya preet judi hai tujhi se bannado
Sochun na jaanu na jaanu
Phir sochun pehchanu tujhe main bannado
Ochho re laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Ochho re laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaisi bharam yeh naino ko jaage re

Bannado... Mongho bado re bannado
Bannado... Thodo mann ma baseyo re bannado
Bannado... Thoda mann ma baseyo re bannado

Beera beera beera beera re beera mhara
Beera beera... (2)

Kahe piya manne itna satave...
Itna satave kahe itna satave...
Ho itna satave sari raat jagave...
Raat jagave saari raat jagave...
Bhodo bhi laage, luchho bhi laage,
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko laage re
Ochho bhi laage, chokho bhi laage
Kaiso bharam yeh naino ko jaage re
Bannado... Mongho bado re bannado
Bannado... Thodo mann ma baseyo re bannado
Bannado... Thoda mann ma baseyo re bannado

Beera beera beera beera re beera mhara
Beera beera... (2)

Kurja ri... Kurja mhari... Kurja...
Jaa re piya ke des... Ho kurja...

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Why Swearing helps?

I had picked up the multimeter after a long time at my aunt's place in Houston, and as it had been long, I had forgotten how to use it. Memory fails even for the young at times when they are out of practice. But one word shocked both, my uncle and aunt, "Fuck! Why did I forget that flip switch!?". Of course, it was not something worth saying before my five-year-old cousin, but who can stop the rush of expression and the feeling to complete the work that I had taken at hand. 

Being a graduate student who had come this far after a long struggle had certainly made me amicable to all people and troubles I had in life, but the resentment of being left behind in the race of life pumped a river of adrenaline through me. I could not sleep, I could not eat, also could not study. I was just not content with whether I will land the job at the lab I had been waiting for since December. All the pain and pressure swelled up so much that even a small failure at doing things made me irritable. But when my aunt shouted out, "This is what you have grown up to now!" pulled me out of that false facade my mind, my ego had pulled up before my conscience. 

Such an experience certainly leaves people to shock when they are not used to swearing a lot. On the contrary, that is the only way to vent out the frustration and the pain that they are going through. Quite often these are the people who are wrongly accused of bad public behavior and even I share similar experiences. However, it becomes an ordeal for such people to contemplate at times if reacting in such a manner is valid or not. Anger, hate, and contempt are bound to grow, there is just no way out of the misery until things get better. For me, things will be better when I get a job and a place to my own, rented or not. 

However, the poison keeps building in the mind of tired and weary. The body could do any of the two: either let the poison take control or let the poison out. Some punch walls, some shoot guns, some swear, some cry. Everyone has their own way to let the negativity into the void of the universe. I tried to swim and tire myself so much that I would not think of anything at the end of the day. I would just eat and sleep. But, I was wrong. Sometimes, you just need to let it go. Just like the oblivion described in myths, man must succumb to the poison of frustration and let the vents off. Let there be destruction. Let friends and family get angry, let loved ones avoid and ignore you or condemn you. Let your colleagues condemn you. Let the consequences be upon one. There are times there is just no escape from the consequences of anger.

To detoxify the dying self-esteem, sometimes one has to use swearing and cussing. No human being is perfect, not even sages. Sages vent their anger using curses, normal people like us do so by swearing, God by oblivion. Anger grows in the shadow of ego, and this materialistic world, in no way can let ego of ambitious humans down. Ego shall grow to the extremes. The time of meditating and contemplation goes to vain and this ego shall force the ambitious human to exert all force to keep the ego high. If successful, and if the human is smart enough, it shall be content with the positive outcome. The ego shall subside but rise again. Although, if let out, it shall relieve it of all pain and angst and the new transformation will add to the spiritual growth of the person. Thus, anger let out may have negative consequences in near future, but positive in the time to come after that. 

The central idea thus focuses on letting off the poison human collects within itself. Meditation may be the path for the wise to follow, however at times, for ordinary people, the vent of anger and the positive transformation that comes by post-contemplation will lead to the better development of the person. I hope the same affects me in a positive manner too. However, it is still a long way to go. 

Monday, March 14, 2016

A Eulogy to the Gone

                                                   na jayate mriyate va kadacin
nayam bhutva bhavita va na bhuyah
ajo nityah sasvato 'yam purano
na hanyate hanyamane sarire

For the soul there is never birth nor death. Nor, having once been, does he ever cease to be. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing, undying and primeval. He is not slain when the body is slain.

As I type these words through the middle of the night, I see a dog ail and an old lady in pain who has cared lovingly for her for the last 16 years. I see a husband joke about his wife but in distress that she is still not with him yet. Another woman who is upset with her loving husband just because he could not get her a proper gift this birthday. I see old man troubled by pulmonary disorder, change sides to adjust his breathing pipe. I see a troubled guy in his early twenties who is typing through the midnight rather than focusing on his homework, just because he cannot handle his social issues well.

We are all surrounded by pain and there cannot be a way to escape it. Everyone has to live with it, but the best part about being with loved ones is this: They will eventually understand you and you should not take trivial matters to the grave, you can talk and fight with them. We should be aware that we are a divine embodiment for a greater cause, but we still have to fulfill our worldly duties to make through to that purpose. I have written this before and I shall state this again: I am a troubled person seeking my purpose of life in my early twenties. I do not truly understand the purpose of my life, but I shall keep writing to seek those answers. And in the midst of the mess that the world has to offer, let me take some more keystrokes to pay my homage secretly to the people I have loved.

I loved my grandmother irrespective of how she treated my mother or an others that find that unjustifiable till date. She may have been biased, she may not have been a good mother, she may have been nagging, but she fulfilled her duties professionally and as a family member to the best she could. Later, she ailed for long, was in pain and eventually passed away.

I loved my maternal grandparents, all four (my mother's father, mother, uncle and aunt) who have set an example of how a person climbs the ladder of success through life just by using muscle grease, not even a clever mind. They lived, they multiplied, they discharged their duties to the society in a humanitarian and holistic manner for which people respect them. Many objectives of my life are a benchmark above what they have set, and I strive till date to make them proud. They passed away in split second, and the reasons being just too trivial for a person to die. I feel their purpose was served and they had to go. There were many who expected some or the other as an inheritance (e.g. my mother wanted a picture of Lord Vishnu which hung in their house for decades). I think my only inheritance was pursuing my life with perseverance, persistence for first-class work and keeping my conduct apt for the people around me - friends, family or else. 

I loved my great grandmother who was a brave woman. She was not very learned, but she put in the muscle grease and prayer that pushed my grandfather to study harder, leave the bounds of the community and join the Air Force. No person can be perfect in every sense expected: it is a matter of perception to be perfect. For my grandfather, serving the nation, excelling in electrical engineering and attaining spiritual wisdom have been the way to become perfect. Although, he did pick up smoking and tobacco, but he still stands proud today that his addiction did not deter him from his duty. To add to this, he holds his mother in due respect. She ailed and passed away as well.

I have utmost respect in my heart for my neighbor Late Mr. Patel, who was a farmer by birth, but put in effort at a technical school and part time jobs in Canada and USA to achieve financial stability and success. He has left behind a lovely wife and three children and they have been close to our family. I have never been a very open person, but during my stay in India before MS, it was him who guided me to learn something new. He spent his evenings with me trying to teach me gardening, and I was successful enough to fill a 15 meter square plot with almost any plant one could use at home - vegetables, fruits, flowers, herbs. The essence behind this experience is far more deep. This activity taught me a lesson of life - I was awaiting to rush to do my Masters, earn money and what not. The young mind is easily boggled by all this, but does not take into account what truly gets you all that. Patience and effort. That garden took 3 months' evenings to just shoot out some leaves - the real outcome was even longer. I will value this to the end of my life. His death was sudden: he spit blood one day and went to the hospital. The doctors found he had blood cancer, and he could never return home alive.

I quote again that as a young individual I do not have the right to misguide other young people by writing something that is incorrect. But, what I write is true to my knowledge and belief and I pay my homage to the above mentioned people with all due respect. Om Shantihi Shantihi Shantihi....

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Obsession at its best: The will to break through the sky

The last blog sounded too admonishing, didn't it? Yes I cannot help laughing recalling the stories, but what life has to teach in essence is this: every point of discussion has two sides just like a coin. To add to the same discussion, I have stories more than the last ones to outweigh the positive side of things, and I am sure they shall bring back the faith in you to strive harder for your ambition.

A guy chose the most difficult professor in circuit design in the first semester of his graduate school. The professor was known to be cruel and whoever took his class was sure of the hardship they were to face. However, this guy had no idea what had come to his path. He dredged through slowly, but could not pass the course. The rest managed to pass, but swore to not take such a professor ever again. The guy cried for a week when the results came out. There was nobody to console him. His colleagues just wanted him to let go of it. But, the guy chose to master it because the professor could master it. He did not let go and lost his grief to the sands of time. He practiced and still keeps practicing. Yes, I do know him and he is on the path that nobody will ever see in their career, but his name is not important. His effort is.

They did not know it was impossible so they did it.

Let me take the name of some very popular and familiar personalities. I am an engineer, and that does make me fascinate over the best people in my discipline, whether the personality is fiction or non-fiction. I feel Tony Stark and Elon Musk are coequal identities, I do feel Stan Lee did have a slight inclination toward's Musk's story, but yes I may be wrong. But they are coequal, per se. Both have the drive to achieve what they want in life, both live their life as they wanted, and both did not look down when life grew tough on them.

My colleague has this picture on his bulletin board with a man smoking, with a beer in his hand and showing his middle finger in all the pride he had. Such a photograph could dumbfound anyone at the first site, but when I read the caption, it said this:

"Every idiot can count to one"
Bob Widlar (1937-1991) Linear IC Pioneer and Personality
Father of uA702, .... blah blah blah

A guy so old is still in the memory of some people, for what reason? I Googled and it amazed me what the guy had done. He laid down the foundation of modern electronics by designing the most widely used chips in his time. No doubt he lived a Bohemian and bold life, people did not like to work with him personally, but he served the purpose of his life even though his life was short. I would say if the world could make a few people live longer, I would say he owns that shot. That is what matters the most, was your life worth it?

To add more, how could I forget Marshal Mathers III? The person who lights up the environment with his invigorating rap, the person who grew from being a victim of constant bullying and beating to being the "culprit" of being one of the most influential rappers of his time. I guess I need not specify that we know him as EMINEM, and the best thing what he said was this:

Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

When I see people like these, this is the only thing that matters to me. Was it worth it? Was the purpose of life served? Will you make sure your leave a positive change for the world to enjoy? People will never remember you as a person who was your friend, your love interest, your colleague. They will remember you as the person who created something, who created the very idea of something that dominates the existence of human behavior. Know this and you shall never have a reason to think why you could not achieve what you wanted to. The same people shall bow to you once the purpose is served, and you shall feel content of what you have achieved. If you could not achieve success in a way you dreamed it, at least you will have a reason to die in peace that your purpose was served. Keep doing what you can do best and you shall not regret it.  

Monday, February 8, 2016

Obsession at its Worst

an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.

"he was in the grip of an obsession he was powerless to resist"

Let me tell you a story what I recall from this dictionary entry. A guy puts in all his effort to reach the school he wants. He reaches there. Meanwhile, he falls in love with a girl who happens to be an old friend and cannot help but think about her. He wants to get her without considering the repercussions of ignoring school. He cannot focus at school and eventually fails. The next semester, he puts all his energy again and gets into the laboratory (just imagine he is a science graduate) he dreamed to get into his entire life, but loses hold of that girl. Whatever he did was correct considering the circumstances he ran into. But, ultimately, he partially destroyed his identity by letting himself low professionally. Why could not he make sure that whatever he did should have been done to achieve whatever he wanted, not by sacrificing one thing for the other? Why does he grieve over that till date?

A girl wants to get the best federal job in the country. But while preparing to get that job, she meets this guy over the Internet who happens to be an old friend. That changes the ways and means of life for her. He makes her smile over those little things in life that she had forgotten. As the sands of time passed, she fell for him because she felt this guy had whatever she expected in a soulmate: head to toe. Both of them are tired of this constriction, but the girl does not want to let go.

But, ultimately this guy leaves her just because the guy's family does not approve of her. The girl just cannot let go of this pain that she got from him, and just cuts herself off from the rest of the world, but with time, she regains that strength to make to that job. She forgives and forgets, and does not feel heavy of what she had to face even when it was not in her part to face.

We see that clearly the girl could make through in a better way through a difficult phase of her life, while the boy cannot overcome that and is still drowning in the mess he created. I do not advocate that one should not make mistakes and fall victim to the mistakes of others. The point to be conveyed is how well do you respond to the demands of life. And to add to this long discussion comes the 9 letter word: obsession.

Disease: Obsession

Symptoms: Absence of mind, preoccupation of mind with troubling thoughts

Vectors: An unstable mind, impatience, unnecessary die-hard attitude towards trivial matters, wrong prioritization of goals in life

Repercussions: Professional and psychological failure, suicidal tendencies

Yes, I believe it is a disease that today's younger generation faces in not only their twenties, but in younger and older generations as well. The lifestyle that we live, the inner urge for sudden success, the attitude of not keeping calm, everything in some part or the other contributes to this obsession. No doubt the world has become competitive with technology and population trying to reach the pinnacle that history has never seen before, but it brings with itself the psychological doom that no elder generation would want its younger generation to suffer through.

Let us twist the guy's story a little bit. The guy does fall in love with the girl, he tries his best, does not succeed and sees no success in his personal life. But, he does not grieve, he keeps it clear with the girl that it cannot be done. He helps himself and the girl out of the misery and both move on in peace. Both did not achieve success in their personal life, but that also ensured that both achieved professional success. This sounds a lot better, doesn't it? Let us not assume anything about the future, let us say they must have never achieved that personal success their entire lives. But that did not totally curb them from at least keeping alive in this rough world. They survived. End of story, no good or bad assumptions.

No doubt, the decisions we make in our twenties do decide the direction of life, but that does not mean everyone shall or will achieve what they obsess about. Sometimes, patience and letting go of the nicer things in life for the bigger picture pays a long way. The key to a life without regret IS patience and adaptation. Love when you are ready, and not when you are lonely. Work for a cause only if it comes without effort and with your skill. Speak the truth so that you do not have to count for your lies. Keep practicing without expectations the skill you wish to master. Be fearless and consider yourself lucky to die in peace if you do get a peaceful one. That's all I had to say today. But before I end this discussion, lets add something to that entry of the book of diagnosis of disorders in life.

Disease: Obsession
Symptoms: Absence of mind, preoccupation of mind with troubling thoughts

Vectors: An unstable mind, impatience, unnecessary die-hard attitude towards trivial matters, wrong prioritization of goals in life

Repercussions: Professional and psychological failure, suicidal tendencies

Prevention: A healthy mindset and a clear outlook to life. Patience.

Cure: Adaptation to the changes that drown you.