Sunday, March 5, 2017

The Dark Force

Here I sit at my laboratory desk at 3:30 AM, a rainy Sunday morning, writing my story again. A lot has happened over the past 4 months and the things that I have gone through, I wish I had a way to erase them from my mind. Trying to support myself by a part-time job in hopes for a Ph.D. admit had made me go so low, that I had left my thesis aside just to assure myself that I would be able to pay my bills and keep myself fed. Now, I have got myself into the Ph.D. program along with a salary till I am in the Masters' program. My will and God's grace has brought me to that frontier which I wanted to reach.

Reaching here I made one of the most important friends of my life. I generally do not like to write names, but Trusit Shah deserves to be on this diary. Neither you need to know who he is, nor who I am, but know this: This guy stood by me for the last one year without expectations to help me push through. Before, I did not know whom to trust. I was essentially lost after the blunder that I made in hopes for a relationship, which cost me thousands of dollars in tuition and monthly expenses. Probation hit me in the balls like a stone. But now, I had a person who I could address as a true friend in this Godforsaken land. This is what I call a true beginning.

Rain patters on the glass windows while mine is the only light burning through the darkness and the track 'Teardrop' plays through the night, uplifting my inner self. I was not a fan of watching TV shows, but finally caught hold on House M D. Hugh Laurie is one eccentric person that not only fascinates me to the measures like Sherlock Holmes, but his character entices a dark corner in my heart. The reason: I do not know! It just is as it is. When you have no support, no aim to follow, no security, you whimper like that bloody pupper left on the street who isn't given a fuck by anyone. When you achieve what you want, you go blank with thoughts. Now I have achieved what was a basic need to push through life. But what next? Should I help out people in the same need as I was? OR should I just carry on without acknowledging whatever happened because the past is the past? The relief in the back of the mind just wants to make sure you do not go all stressed through the day, but a dark force does reside in some corner to keep away, keep planning something sinister and get what the mind truly recognizes as a purpose. What is in it for me? Let's find out with time.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Being Alone

Time is something nobody has control over. At times, it can be lovely in the midst of family and friends, while it becomes difficult when one is far lost from the idea of life and is troubled by pain, physical or mental. An ideal human being would be the one who adapts to whatever comes, it's way. This would be an ideal concept to some, because even though change is an inevitable part of life, breaking away from the tethers of the comfort zone keeps one at bay from that goal one is waiting for. A lost friendship, a dream job, a new home or long lost love to be reclaimed: whatever it may be, one needs that one thing in life to accept change and get what good life has kept aside for them.

Change is inevitable, but not easy. Not all humans find it easy to adapt change. Some may embrace it readily, some may not for the fear of change, while some will be unsure of what to do. Those who have accepted change need not even read further what I wish to say. The other two categories of people need to understand why I said so. 

I did put up a picture of a soldier smoking. Though whatever is written on the image was said by someone Americans don't like, there is something we all need to learn from it, and it's definitely not smoking. I do not advocate any intoxication, but those who feel the need of it are welcome to try it. What we need to do sometimes is to sit alone with what is comfy to us, and introspect. To think of possibilities, to understand why changing for the new level of things is important, to fathom why is there a need of pain to adapt to the new realm which looks promising but we fear to enter.

I am a graduate student in America and I come from India. Many Americans may feel I am a mama's boy, must've stayed with my parents, come here on their money and definitely not independent. Even the Indian-Americans feel the same for me which I could not help witness a lot of times. Embracing the fact that this new country is my "Karmabhoomi", my land where I will perform my "karma" was a grave decision in itself. Then, to embrace the culture of the new place and to mingle with people was another step. Getting used to the accent, the jargon of my studies, the slang as well, a lot needs effort. I am not here just to roam around like a tourist?! I have to study and become well-rounded! 

Another difficulty is talking to everyone directly. Its not as simple as being home. At home, especially in a joint family, you have no trouble if it's food or money, you have the support of others. Being alone is a lot different! You have to call and ask people for help and that way, life caught me red-handed: I just cannot talk to people for help. I do not know small talk. I can't ask my cousins how they are, or my aunt how her health is. Or even ask my mother how does she feel without me at home. The only thing I ask for is money for bills and to find a job.

Dealing with such a problem becomes tough when you really have nobody else to consult about this. But, every question has an answer which can be found by "being alone", in the sense that we introspect, find our faults and rectify it. I feel introspection does take time: you cannot get a million dollar idea to solve your problem over one coffee or one evening sometimes. Every person has their own limitations. If I cannot solve an electrical engineering problem, I am confident enough to sit alone and solve it overnight. But my attitude? Nah. Not so easy. The same kind of problem may be the reason why they cannot succeed with something. I am still thinking how to cure myself of the loss of words on the phone!

One can see that dealing with their own problems makes them more aware of what they are capable of. To quote an example, it would be my teacher's job to teach me 2 x 2 = 4, but it's my job to think how can it help me with my daily life! Not overthinking, but a moderate and firm introspection is what can help everybody turn into an individual who can defeat the "comfort zone" wall and reach into a new realm. However, it is not a substitute for action, you introspect to make plans on how to act to make things work out for you. But yes, planning helps, and that is what introspection and solitude helps you to do: to plan on what to do.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Fathers' Day: Why is Life Unfair to My Dad?

Fathers' day, a friend's birthday and Sunday altogether. The bet combo you could ever get, but I am here already at the lab on a sunny morning. But, the feeling of emptiness pervades just like the sunshine. An empty stomach, an empty pocket, and a broken heart altogether as well. Not so good a combo. So to feel light enough and lay down my weight, I decided to write.   If I can write for mom, why can't for dad? So here it is for dad. 

I recall my neighbor, an old lady, used to say: "My husband is the eighth wonder of the world!". I could never understand that why. Although, my mother used to agree to that fact for herself as well. Ladies chitchat, but with a lot of sense in it. How can one compare the wonders of the world with a person? Time was to teach me that, and thus, I write the story of my father below.

My dad was the eldest born to a soldier. He was a fun loving person at school, quite a player on the soccer field. He was a ruffian as he calls himself when young. He beat up people, and they feared the wrath of his gang of friends. He possessed a power in a small world that everyone desire. But, when the time to college came, he failed the entrance test thrice. In a country like India, getting an admit in a college can be done by a signature on a bank cheque. But, my grandfather did not, out of ethic. The stroke of misfortune led my father and grandmother into shock because she expected him capable enough to become the first person in the family to earn a degree. But, dad had the utmost respect for his parents. He did not show that life had struck him down. He turned into a calm person. He suppressed all his pride and anger and emotion. He set out to earn with grandpa in the workshop. 

It is a wonder to see that facing not just this, but shocks more disastrous than him did not deter him. It is a rarity to see him angry or distressed. He drags his life like a beast: lifeless but with all the zeal he has left in him. He kept working, and a day came, he got married to this cheerful lady, my mom. Although, what my mother did not know was that the same misfortune was to lay upon her as well. As the difficulties grew harsh, just like dad, mom also lost all cheer of life. It is strange to see that lifelessness is contagious. However, my mother grew out of that, and I used to see her cry alone when dad wasn't around. 

Well, the greatest wonder to me is, if my parents are so lifeless, how did they ever tender so much love between themselves to give birth to my brother and me. You know, sex is not as easy as it appears to be! But yes, we are breathing, so something must have happened. However, when people are young, they dream and aspire for the best. My mom did for a bigger home and more money and recognition at a time, and my dad for a big business. Now I look at them, and I feel this can't be them.

I never remember my mom telling me that my dad used to love us the way a father is supposed to love his sons. He never expressed it, but he took great care of us in other ways and means. My grandmother, uncle, and aunt were more enthusiastic about my whims. And ultimately, my mom and dad grew into mind-dead people out of misery. But at times, they seemed happy, for example when I got into college or left India for studies abroad. My dad turned into a person that just had a to-do list for life to go through, and he felt relieved as he checked past that list. I am relieved I didn't mess up.

The point I make here is, not all dads can be relaxed and happy-go-lucky. They have their won third-world-country problems they go through. All men are prone to become overwhelmed by the misery that lets their self-esteem, status and financial capability down. That includes me as well. However, Some emotion does creep into me, I am my mom's son as well and write things down to relieve myself rather than crying because I am my dad's son. Yes, life is unfair to my father as well, not just mother. But, somehow that lifelessness from my dad has crept into me as well. I cannot enjoy my food, cannot enjoy movies and parties. The drive to work does not leave my head, just like him. After all, I am my dad's son. There is nothing you can dream of, can you? Life will end up with that vicious circle of paying bills and work and sleep. The sad violin will play, and you will have to enact the play of Life. But yes, I thank my dad for not teaching me that, but nurturing me to face misery with consciousness and in the canopy of righteousness.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Dinner for one: The power of solitude

Saute vegetables and herbs, bread, poppadom and herb soda on the rocks. What else can one wish for on a cool summer evening? Alas, not all people are so lucky to enjoy that, not because they cannot afford it, but because they do not know that is how it is supposed to be. People are literally unable to cook proper food for themselves and that is a shame. They own a degree, they can earn six figure salaries, but need to go a diner to eat every evening. Man has this basic instinct to survive, to find food and cook it - convert it to edible form. God has given us the sense of taste to enjoy the wonderful food we have on planet Earth, but people have just made up their mind that the experience cannot be found at home. It is taken for granted that only restaurant can give you such an experience. I strongly believe that it is wrong and the very instinct of man is in danger.

The table you see up there is for sure a great site to see, but one can have that in one's place as well. It is just a matter of learning etiquette and doing the right thing without showing it off. Even if it is to show off to friends when you welcome them to dinner, it is an effort. Although, not all are willing to make that effort. As for me, it is just something as simple to looking at an image like below and doing it.

I once read a wise man's writing "When you become a spectacular performer for long enough, 'spectacular' becomes your way of living".  If you try doing that for a month, you'll get used to it. You'll be able to do it effortlessly. In my country, it is a stereotype that all this is for women to do. However, learning skills in life like this makes a man into a gentleman and a woman into a lady. First, you become aware of how to feed yourself! Second, you learn how to "properly" feed yourself. Third, you know how to "properly feed yourself in a social setting". Three simple advantages, aren't they?

So to add, if you learn this in a social setting, not to show off of course, it shows a sense that you are aware what you are doing at that table with your friends or relatives or your colleagues! Your boss now surely knows you have your way of handling things! Your date knows you are organized person, and gives him/her a hint that you are capable enough for a more stronger relationship as well. Of course your friends can bitch about it, they are friends! But they will realize that you have grown up. You have cultivated yourself. And of course, you can treat the restaurant people in a more polite way like this.

However, coming to the point for dining alone. Why does it make sense to toil through apart from learning it apart from showing off and considering yourself as a cultured and organized individual? I guess I gave the answer in the question - "Individual". Life is tough sir! There come times when nothing feels right. A person dowses into depression and inactivity just because s/he finds himself/herself useless. Just like a nurse at a hospital would go tidy up towels after a bad day to release the stress and feel useful, so is cooking for a common man. Although there may be people who have their own ways of relieving stress, but why not a way that makes you stronger as well? You may play some game out there, you may sing, hang out or do anything you like. But, ultimately, one does get hungry. Why not relieve yourself of stress and fill yourself up with some good food?

Making yourself a salad or a cake or anything from scratch is a real achievement. Also, not to criticize outdoor activity, cooking also takes some effort, its not that you are taking in calories without burning calories. You cook, you eat and then you have to clean up! It takes time and energy. It is an activity in itself, an art and a way of self-realizing your potential. One could think over things while cooking or eating as well. When I see chefs like G. Ramsay (you know him well for his abusing, don't you?), there is perfection in their cooking in solitude. The way they chop things or handle the pan or cook is just so soothing to the eye! When they cook on a show, they don't ask for help, do they? They cook for themselves or one or more people and they relish it on the TV itself! Why can't you do that?! This made me understand what dinner for one means, and here's why I have written so much today. In all, cooking can be turned into an art and an act of relief: it will never seem mundane to me again after realizing this.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Mothers' Day: Why is Life Unfair to My Mom?

Evening 8 PM and I see an incoming Whats app call. I know who is calling me but somehow it doesn't feel good to pick up the phone. The rain patters on the glass window and the light from the phone reflects on it. Somehow I manage to pick up the phone. "Jai Shree Krishna" are my first words and hers are the same. She sounds worried and keeps nagging me whether I had lunch or not. Then she comes to studies and my lab work. But still, her concern has no effect on my indifferent tone. She complains all the time "Why don't you call me back?" and I have no answer. I keep murmuring a new excuse but she still is firm on getting a correct answer. I just get frustrated and sign off. 

The woman is my mother, no doubt about it. The woman for whom I have utmost respect in my mind and love in my heart, but still her nagging is something I cannot bear. In fact, I cannot bear any body's nagging and I do not even wish to nag somebody else. I do not wish to comment like a sage that life is all tiresome and I cannot get a hold of it. I have just grown into a silent person, and with each day my silence deepens with every second I spend alone. I just sit at my desk in the lab and work physically. But mentally, it’s a storm of thoughts that do not calm down. Wow! This is life! Now I am an adult. I am supposed to survive and pay bills. When I grow even older, I all have to marry somebody and make kids. Just wow! I wonder how my mother grew into such a sensible human being that she could raise two boys like us. I do not care if we brothers will be successful in life or not. That in itself is a different issue about how to motivate your children to leave the comfort zone. But growing yourself into a person as strong as this is just nothing more than an eighth wonder of the world. I am still in awe how does it happen.

My mother was a very naughty and cheerful girl as my grandmother used to tell me. Yes, my grandmother was my partner in crime where my mother had absolutely no idea. But the stories that she told me in the hot afternoons in summer were quite intriguing, quite nostalgic as well. My mother was not a very smart kid at studies and so are we brothers. But she had this energy to dance, play and watch movies all day, which was an awe to my grandmother as well. I am talking about the childhood of a person in the 70's, so you could for sure imagine movies was not an affair as simple as Netflix these days or even for that sake, booking tickets online. You have to wait in queue, get inside and shout and enjoy and have fun! As simple as that. On the contrary, I am a person who is as lazy as a sloth, I have no idea how to dance. Movies, I think that's the only pass of time that matches my mother's.  

Well, she grew up, went to college, graduated in biology and ended up working in her cousin's technical institute. This is the most interesting part of her life. She was a FORTRAN programmer in her time and she also taught tailoring. You see, both are different forms of vocation. But she taught both with all the passion and all the energy. People actually enjoyed her sessions. If you ask me, I have not enjoyed any teaching session of hers. The taunts and the beating was enough to dissolve my taste in learning. But anyway, I managed. I wasn't a strong kid but I had strong parents. To add, I hate programming and my genes cannot accept anything cuter than a teddy bear. Tailoring is a distant dream, even a good painting brings burns to the feel I cannot hold my pencil properly. Duh. 

When she got married, she was stripped of all so many cheerful things in life that she loved. But, when we brothers were born, she swallowed that pain within herself. At times, she would express her joy in the form of jokes or petting us kids or dancing in weddings. That was her way when her bad-ass in-laws did not accept her cheerful nature. I have no idea why, and I became like her in laws anyway. I turned into a bore eventually and my mom hates me for that. "Mom, if you by any chance find this blog on the Internet, yes it's me. I know you did not expect a lazy ass son and I am sorry for that. Life's a bitch and I have no clue how to handle it as gracefully as you. That's the most honest opinion I could ever give you."

I am still in awe by the fact that my mom knows that I cannot even date a girl or maintain a relationship with full commitment. I know she wouldn't be so happy seeing me discussing this. She had to feel so troubled to mend us boys to the right path. She literally had to clean us up when we were babies, then you had to beat us up so that we could simply fill a page of an alphabet properly. You had to deal with the in-laws to make sure they did not affect our studies. You prepared us such that nobody could question our credibility. You made us into good humans, but so good that they become sad at people's miseries and end up doing mistakes and causing more trouble. Still, you do take care of that in the worst of times.  

The list is endless and parenting is a nightmare. I hope I am not screwing it up more for her by even speaking of it. I am a fool and I do not know how the relationship thing works. But sometimes I feel I have grown so old that I need some girl in my life to spend my quality time with. I do not know how dad and mom spend your lonely moments together because anyway we are a conservative family. We do not hug, kiss or do all that stuff show of affection. But we strive in life helping each other out, and that's more than enough I guess.

I have learnt how to take care of myself properly. But I will make sure I’ll be ready to take care of not only myself but others around me. It's just that I am nervous at times. I am still under the fear that I have just grown up so quickly or slowly, even the time scale is a doubt to me. Life has been so unfair to you and that is what I feel bad about for your life. But I am sure that I have turned into a good son and I will keep the legacy alive (although dancing still sucks, I am not doing that).

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A Letter to My Future Wife

Dear future wife,

Life is hard for me and if you have chosen me leaving all the best suitors in the world, the first thing I would like to know is "Why?" I am really not sure how you will or have you already entered my life. I feel really astounded by the fact that a guy as heartless as me could get a girl who could love me without worrying about what I am. Why?

I do not know if you have already invaded my dreams or not, but there is this sudden rush of feelings that I feel in my dreams that you are so nearby. Every night these days turns into a sleepless night at some point of time and there is no explanation to it. This is my complaint. I haven't seen you, I haven't talked to you, I haven't loved you and still I feel your absence. Why do you trouble me so much at times?

I wonder at the creation of God. We are born, we grow up, we study and we work, but why are we supposed to make sure we spend our life with somebody else? Why do we need love? Some can make do without it for life and blessed and strong are such people. I do not understand why I cannot gather so much strength and strive towards making life better for people around me. There is just a cloud of desires and attraction that bounds me to your thoughts.

I see you in many women that pass my way and I try to find one or the other things that I imagine would in someone belong to you. Some one's smile, some one's sweet voice, some one's enthusiastic attitude towards one's passion, some one's beauty and dressing sense, some one's way to express love and desires, some one's sense of humor. The list is endless. But whenever I closely try to observe a woman that attracts my attention, there is some part of you that I always look for, and that gets embedded deep into my mind. However, it is not that I want you to become that. Right now, I am not even sure if you do exist.

I want to apologize for whatever wrong I have done to you without knowing you. I have betrayed you by wrongly thinking about being intimate with numerous women. I have betrayed you by actually being intimate with a woman that did not deserve my efforts. I have betrayed you by thinking you will be the source of all love and support that I have been looking for by ignoring my family and friends. You, by any means, are no object of giving me love and support. It is by time and experiences of life that I have come to know that I have made mistakes that have made irreversible damage to my life. Although there is no way the past can be corrected, I believe in many ways I have done wrong to you and I hope you will accept me the way I am.

Neither I am a perfect person, nor are you. Yes, people dream of things being perfect, life being perfect. I have seen none enjoying something perfect. It is time and circumstances that affect the state of mind of a person. A person feels happy or sad, full of life or empty, determined to continue through the course of life or end it. You must be expecting this man seems so nice to me, but writes so boring. I am sorry for that as well, time and tide not only wait for none but leave scars that are not easy to erase. But in all my capability and strength, I will try my best to keep your state of mind the way it should be.

I visualize you as a sensible, strong, independent and affectionate woman. I believe you can lead your life better alone than with me at times and I am the chains that bound you. I believe you are the person who can accomplish anything she desires, even a person as recluse as I am and turn it into something better. The pain of my life has narrowed down my sight so sharp that I cannot see but money, fame, and work. I cannot enjoy the sweet morning sounds that make a day feel like a day. I have lost all love and appreciation that the people surrounding me demand. It is just that life has pulled  life out of me. Time has hardened me like a rock to withstand the ups and downs, but I have no idea how to love such a wonderful person as you.

Yes, you expect a lot of praise and love from this letter. Be patient. I am coming to that darling. I am sorry once again, but you are the third woman in my life that has turned my life to corners that I would never have imagined (The first is my mom and the second are a whole lot of ladies who taught me at school. Yes they are to the date very doting women.).  I have never had a sister and I have never had very close female friends. I do not know how to express love to you, but want to. I have no idea what gifts to buy for you as I have bought none in life. I do not know how to take somebody out for dinner or party or even host a party. I was never brought up to do all this. But an inner voice tells me I need to change a bit for you. 

Let me tell you what that inner voice tells me. It tells me that this woman is courageous enough to leave her family and come to live with you for life. Love her, caress her and make her feel home. Make her feel warm and lively. Give her a reason to smile when you both return home from work. Take her to places that she'll never have seen in her lifetime. Make love to her during weekends (without her asking) so intense that she forgets masturbation. Buy her gifts that not only signify your love to her but also help her make her life easier. The voice also tells me you are a naughty person, and you won't wake up early in the morning. It tells me if she doesn't improve, do not get frustrated. Kiss her and wake her up with breakfast in bed. When she is sick, take care of her and make her feel better in pain. Give her a massage often whenever she is in pain. Let her roam around with or without clothes on, let her be free as a bird in the wild. Fight her hard but love her back harder. When she is sad, hug her so hard and make her feel so warn that all broken pieces of her heart turn one piece with all the warmth and love. Do not ever force her to leave her job or do household chores if she doesn't want to. Do not force her into having kids if she doesn't want to. But love her the way she would never imagine leaving you. It is a bond for life.

I am just so foolish at times I cannot think things on my own, but my inner voice tells me a lot of things. Darling, at this moment, know this: I am not ready for you. I am not responsible enough to even pay bills. I do not have a job or the efficiency that an adult has to have. I am weak at heart at times, irresponsible, lazy and a procrastinator. I want to be the person that makes you feel safe, secure and ready by your side when I meet you the first day. We unite not for the dependence of money or household chores, we unite for the love of each other. We shall lead our lives with all due respect without feeling hindered or bound in unnecessary emotions due to each other. Love is the only central aspect that binds our relationship, but with a firm resolve to achieve nothing but the best in life. When we walk in society, we walk with due respect for the people around us but make sure our respect is intact as well. We make each other proud.

Dear wife, I have opened up my heart through this letter and I hope that answers all your questions. If you do meet me and you have any questions, two cups of coffee at Starbucks will be waiting for us some sunny morning, or rainy afternoon or a chilled winter evening. We both will open our hearts out and try to unite in the best time of our lives. Till then, please spare me of your dreams and let me work. All this work and effort will ultimately lead me towards you. My sweetest wife, I love you. We shall meet for sure. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Feeling of Emptiness

I should not be writing this post at the moment. Exams are just to commence within a day or two. But what can a mind heavy with thoughts do? After a long day of work and no other way to recharge the lost power, I thought let me take to writing along with music. Television and movies is a distant dream for an electrical engineer in the States. Even if you have money, you will never have the time to enjoy them. Such is the amount of effort what studies demand.

As my Spotify playlist ends the play of "Adagio for TRON" and moves towards the track "Nocturne", so does the my time sift through my hands beyond midnight. Slow tempo, boredom and due assignments pull my life towards the end of the spring semester. A lot of things have improved over time minus the boredom and loathe of my curriculum. I can understand stuff at class, do homework myself now. I started swimming a month ago to maintain my stamina throughout the day. I started waking up earlier than last semester and started spending more time at the laboratory. I am trying my best to score good and get myself out of the probation that I pushed myself into last semester. 

The end of the semester this time is far eased than the last, although one thing does hit my mind every time I take time off. What will I do after I am done with this work? What else really waits for me after I am really done with these courses and research and what not? The mind keeps racing into the future and the conscience tries to pull it back into the present. Past - I do not care now. I have seen enough havoc and chaos my life till now. Violence, love, pain, anger, jealousy, envy have all left me. All left is greed, the greed to succeed. The greed to achieve what people will only dream of.

There does exist a certain emptiness that creeps in. I have less to learn now, but more to explore. Though exploration is exciting, but life will turn into a mundane affair of getting up, dressing up and showing up. Of course I will not have to worry about paying bills any more, the pay would be enough to keep me alive and going (whenever I get it). Yet, the purpose of life remains a mystery to me. Am I just to keep working all life and go back home and sleep? I just need money to pay bills and work to keep busy, but do I need the love and care of a woman that I lost for the sake of this money and work and recognition?  Or let us say, do I need a woman whom I should care and love and make sure she spends a happy life with me? Why does my mind still look for a woman with whom I could share being the most foolish person on Earth and yet not be judged? 

Too many questions for a twenty-three-year-old guy are left unanswered. Time shall answer them. But, is this loneliness or infatuation that will lead me towards my fall? Or is it the empty hole in my chest that needs to be filled with warmth by someone's hugs and kisses? Whatever it may be, it still makes me introspect into my deeper self at times. Do I need to become a person compatible enough for another person or should I lead my lonely life along the way I see best in the midst of God's grace?  Do I really need love and intimacy that most people around me enjoy? Or am I born for a greater purpose than just marrying and begetting children? I just hope time answers them before I become more empty than ever. And as I end this post, it's time to go back to study for exams.